A friend of mine shared a post with me from figment entitled “Your Dates with Fictional Men,” in which the author humorously describes dates with Heathcliff, Edward Cullen, Romeo, Gatsy, and the Phantom of the Opera. (My fav is the Gastby one!) My friend wanted to see Mr. Darcy and Wizard Howl added to the list of potentials so she requested I make it happen. There are 6 fictional men listed here. Yes, I know I’m probably missing about 100 or so favorites given the history of literature, but that would be a never-ending list and I only have so much time to squander.
In any case, I ended up having a little too much fun with this, so this will be posted in two parts. Part 1: “When Fictional Men Ask You on a Date” and Part 2: “When Fictional Men Take You on a Date”
Here’s Part 1. This one’s for Zahra Khan. Enjoy!
Mr. Darcy will not ask you out. Not immediately. You will notice him staring at you across the coffeehouse, dark and brooding, yet mysteriously intriguing. But you will think nothing of it because if all he can do is stare, then he’s not worth your time, and did he just sneer at you? Forget that. A week will pass and you will fail to notice Mr. Darcy checking out your “fine eyes” from afar because you’re too busy working on your term paper so when he approaches you head-on, to confess that he has in fact, been quite taken with your handsome countenance, you are completely taken aback. He then requests the honor of having you dine with him tonight and though you’re sorely tempted to decline because you have that term paper to think about and this guy’s just a little too in-your-face, something compels you to agree.
If you think you look like a hag, never fear because Wizard Howl is here! He can sense when a curse has been placed upon you by the evils of triglycerides and fatty acids you’ve consumed. He can reveal the youthful beauty beneath the sun-worn, stressed out skin. But before he works his magic on you, he lures you over to help him do the cooking and cleaning. He’s a beautiful, vain master wizard, after all and has no time for the daily chores of life. You gladly accept because at least now, you’re the woman he comes home to at night, even if you’re just the old maid.
Oliver Wood doesn’t mince words. At least, not when it comes to Quidditch. He asks you out because he thinks you’re watching him play Keeper. In reality, you’ve been gazing in the direction of the goals due to some deep thoughts about your upcoming Potions exam and you’re trying to recall the exact ingredients in a truth serum. He zooms right up to you on his broom, still in full Quidditch gear, and asks if you’ll accompany him to Hogsmeade next weekend. You’re pleasantly surprised because hey, the most popular Gryffindor jock just took interest in you and you know all the girls gonna be jealous when they see you wearing his letters.
The Dread Pirate Roberts
Also known as Westley, this masked man is not someone you are immediately drawn to given his cocky attitude and pirate-y ways. And yet, it is because of these very traits that you can’t seem to stay away. You decide to let him hang around you, otherwise the creeper from across the street who thinks he’s some sort of prince will try to force you into holy matrimony. He agrees to be your bodyguard with a simple “As you wish,” but not before flashing you a conspiratorial wink, making you wonder just who’s in charge here and why he’s packing a picnic instead of scaring off the “prince.”
Peeta Mellark is the boy-next-door. He’s got money and he’s got food. More specifically, he’s got bread. While you’re not too keen on having those extra carbs glorify your thighs, you can’t deny a homemade chocolate fudge cake because afterall, a girl needs some sweetness in her life. When you go in for the cake, Peeta hands it to you, free of charge. You think nothing of it. He probably copied your answers from that last quiz anyway. When this starts happening every day as you enter the bakery for your chocolate fix, you begin to question his motives. But it’s too late and before you know it, he’s asking you to the movies and you can’t say no for fear of a world with no more cake. Supply and demand, baby, and Peeta’s your supplier.
The Count of Monte Cristo
This guy just survived years in prison for a crime he did not commit, broke out in the most unconventional way by pretending to be an old dead man in a body bag so he could be tossed into the sea, and resurfaces as a filthy rich count just to take you on a nice night out because you made him pinky promise years ago. You ain’t sayin’ no to that.